[Jason doesn't understand Dick, and it shows everytime they talk because he just can't always accept what Dick tells him. Jason had come at him once with mostly-own walls, when they first met. Yeah he'd needled him too, because Jason was always Jason, but he'd been genuinely excited and admiring, too. That was long past them, and now Jason just does with Dick what he does with everyone else - even Bruce, now. He looks for the hidden motives in everything.
Just wanting Jason around can't be a reason, because people don't want that. So there has to be more to it. Maybe it's a thing with B, maybe it's an ego thing, where he has to succeed where the Bat failed.
Jason's tired, and he's still just a little drunk, and he can't work it out, and fuck, but it's old trying. He rubs his hands over his face.]
I don't sleep in a ditch. I can take care of myself. I did it before I was Robin, I can do it now that I'm not. I don't need you. Why do you want me there? You've got a team, anything I can do you can do better, and the rest of them are fucking superpowered. You don't need me for shit. I don't belong in the Tower anymore than I do in the Manor, and no one wants me there anyway. You know how fast it all went to shit last time. So why do you keep pushing?
[ Theyāre going around and around in circles. Jason keeps bringing up the same points, keeps asking him the same questions, as if Dickās supposed to have a different answer than the one he keeps trying to get across. Jasonās drunk, but this isnāt just the alcohol talking.
A sigh tips his chin up, shoulders down, and he pushes off the counter across to Jason again. He drops to a knee in front of him so they can be closer. Thereās hope that speaking closer will help him get through, right? He looks up at Jason, face the same as heās always remembered, lit in shadow by the dim glow of the safehouseās lighting. A hand reaches and grips Jasonās shoulder. Heās not going to repeat himself again, and he shakes his head once. ]
Look, Jason. Do you really think I only took you on ācus of the tower? [ He questions quietly, calmly, steadily. ] I didnāt. [ He left Bruce of his own accord, and there wouldāve been other ways to get the tower if he was really opposed to taking Jason on. ] But youāre right about one thing: I never needed you for anything. I never cared because I needed you. I cared because Iā[ He swallows. ] I get it. What youāre going through. You think youāre not enough. You push people who care about you away because you think you donāt deserve it. You think youāre better off alone.
[Jason watches Dick come in closer, but doesn't move away. The shoulder beneath Dick's hand tenses, but he stays.
He thinks Dick cares because he's obligated to. Because Dick wears the hero cape and that's what he's supposed to do. Because the Bat told him to, so he feels like he has to. Because he saw Jason nearly toss himself off a roof because he had in in his head that he probably should have just finished the job when Slade started it.
He doesn't think Dick cares about him. Why should he? What the fuck is Jason to him? Jason's the same thing he's always been. A broken part, leaking something toxic that corrodes anything near him. Bruce realizes it, Dick's just too stubborn.
He isn't better off alone. He's incapable of anything else, but alone, and everyone else is better with him that way. Dick fucked up his team and with Slade's kid, yeah. But he's not going to get that. No one's better off never knowing him.
So he's wrong about getting it.] I think you have no fucking clue what I want or what it's like. [If he knew what Jason wanted, he'd be a lot less likely to be here, since one of the things Jason wanted was him.] I think B handed you a project you didn't wanna have to handle and now you feel obligated about it because you know I'm fucked up. I'm not your fault to fix because Slade dropped me off a building and I tried to jump off another one. You don't want me around anymore than anyone else does, you hated it too. I get it, you're a good guy. You still don't have to convince yourself of it, all right?
Iām notātrying to convince myself of anything. [ Dick shakes his head, frowning when Jason doesnāt get him, either. Heās far from perfect. Heās not entirely a good guy, as much as he strives to be. So maybe thereās a huge disconnect between them. Dick thought he had understood Jasonās reasons for thinking he didnāt care, but maybe he had been wrong. ]
Jason, listen to me. Iām not Bruce. I stopped trying to be like him years ago, when I realized how wrong the way he does things is. I donātātake people on like projects. [ Bruce saw Jason as having hard edges to round off, and sent Dick with that express interest in mind. Dick saw someone who was misled, who believed what he believed: that Robin woud fix it all. Maybe he hadnāt needed to take on Jason, hell, when he had first met Jason, he hadnāt been happy about being replaced, but he had never wanted Jason away from him. Dick didnāt want another to suffer through what he did, especially not a kid so alone in the world. ]
If Iām so wrong about you, then tell me what you want. You really want me to get up and leave?
[Jason sees Dick as better than him, and maybe that's part of why there's a divide that he helps set up. He'll always fall short to Bruce, to anybody used to the first Robin, yeah. But more than that, to himself. Jason's great at playing cocky, not as great at really feeling it.] Can't be that wrong, since you turned out like you did.
[Jason says it wryly, rather than bitter, but he still means it. If one turns out fine, even if he takes off to play cop for a while, and the other one doesn't, then it's probably not the guy who taught them both's fault, it's the difference in the product quality, right?
He laughs, and that sounds bitterly amused.] What I want. [He repeats it. What does he want? Too much. And shit if he knows. Except for one thing.
Well, if he lets that one on, it'll get Dick to stop asking at least, right?
It's stupid, but Jason knows it and does it anyway, leaning forward and pressing his mouth to Dick's in a sudden harsh, hungry kiss. He doesn't touch him otherwise, doesn't try to hold him in something he knows isn't wanted, and leans away after a second, ending it as suddenly as he began it, mouth tingling. He resists the urge to lick his lips.] Yeah, don't think you really want to know what I want.
[ No. He really had no idea what Jason really wanted. The kiss leaves him reeling, eyes wide and staring as Jason pulls back. He stops breathing, stops talking, stops everything but the thoughts racing through his head. Confusion, surprise, completely caught off-guard by the sheer conviction with which Jasonās lips met his. Soft lipsāmet his and thatās a thought thatā
His eyes narrow, brows tug together. Itās not disgust on his face, in fact, he doesnāt hate what just happened. Heās plainly, simply, just confused. ]
Howā [ Itās proving to be difficult to translate his thoughts to words. A hand sets on Jasonās knee in an effort to keep things steady. To steady himself, maybe. ] When? I didnāt know. [ Then no. No, he doesnāt know what Jason really wants. He blinks, tilts his head as his gaze drops and then lifts again, holding a quiet question. ] Why didnāt you tell me?
[Jason laughs again, that same little bubble of bitter laughter that's older than his years. He tips his head back and mostly shuts his eyes so he doesn't have to see Dick staring at him - or imagine just doing it again, if only to get rid of that shellshocked expression.] Told you that you didn't want to know, Grayson.
[His eyes open again when Dick's hand lands on his knee, sudden tension in his body reading easily enough. Jason doesn't really expect it after all of Dick's chasing after him and talk about helping him, but he still braces for a violent reaction he might have to dodge. It's automatic.
But then Dick's hand just sits there and he talks, so Jason relaxes a notch again, closes his eyes. He shrugs.] Bro, I wanted to bang Robin as bad as I wanted to be him. Then I met him and he looked like you, what the fuck do you expect? What was I supposed to do? Not everyone who wants to fuck you is gonna be alien princesses or hot superhero girls or whatever. You gotta put up with a few delinquents in there too.
Why the fuck would I tell you? I didn't expect shit from you, and I wasn't going to make a thing out of it. Look at the bright side though - good reason for you to quit coming after me. Wouldn't want to encourage me.
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Just wanting Jason around can't be a reason, because people don't want that. So there has to be more to it. Maybe it's a thing with B, maybe it's an ego thing, where he has to succeed where the Bat failed.
Jason's tired, and he's still just a little drunk, and he can't work it out, and fuck, but it's old trying. He rubs his hands over his face.]
I don't sleep in a ditch. I can take care of myself. I did it before I was Robin, I can do it now that I'm not. I don't need you. Why do you want me there? You've got a team, anything I can do you can do better, and the rest of them are fucking superpowered. You don't need me for shit. I don't belong in the Tower anymore than I do in the Manor, and no one wants me there anyway. You know how fast it all went to shit last time. So why do you keep pushing?
no subject
A sigh tips his chin up, shoulders down, and he pushes off the counter across to Jason again. He drops to a knee in front of him so they can be closer. Thereās hope that speaking closer will help him get through, right? He looks up at Jason, face the same as heās always remembered, lit in shadow by the dim glow of the safehouseās lighting. A hand reaches and grips Jasonās shoulder. Heās not going to repeat himself again, and he shakes his head once. ]
Look, Jason. Do you really think I only took you on ācus of the tower? [ He questions quietly, calmly, steadily. ] I didnāt. [ He left Bruce of his own accord, and there wouldāve been other ways to get the tower if he was really opposed to taking Jason on. ] But youāre right about one thing: I never needed you for anything. I never cared because I needed you. I cared because Iā[ He swallows. ] I get it. What youāre going through. You think youāre not enough. You push people who care about you away because you think you donāt deserve it. You think youāre better off alone.
no subject
He thinks Dick cares because he's obligated to. Because Dick wears the hero cape and that's what he's supposed to do. Because the Bat told him to, so he feels like he has to. Because he saw Jason nearly toss himself off a roof because he had in in his head that he probably should have just finished the job when Slade started it.
He doesn't think Dick cares about him. Why should he? What the fuck is Jason to him? Jason's the same thing he's always been. A broken part, leaking something toxic that corrodes anything near him. Bruce realizes it, Dick's just too stubborn.
He isn't better off alone. He's incapable of anything else, but alone, and everyone else is better with him that way. Dick fucked up his team and with Slade's kid, yeah. But he's not going to get that. No one's better off never knowing him.
So he's wrong about getting it.] I think you have no fucking clue what I want or what it's like. [If he knew what Jason wanted, he'd be a lot less likely to be here, since one of the things Jason wanted was him.] I think B handed you a project you didn't wanna have to handle and now you feel obligated about it because you know I'm fucked up. I'm not your fault to fix because Slade dropped me off a building and I tried to jump off another one. You don't want me around anymore than anyone else does, you hated it too. I get it, you're a good guy. You still don't have to convince yourself of it, all right?
no subject
Jason, listen to me. Iām not Bruce. I stopped trying to be like him years ago, when I realized how wrong the way he does things is. I donātātake people on like projects. [ Bruce saw Jason as having hard edges to round off, and sent Dick with that express interest in mind. Dick saw someone who was misled, who believed what he believed: that Robin woud fix it all. Maybe he hadnāt needed to take on Jason, hell, when he had first met Jason, he hadnāt been happy about being replaced, but he had never wanted Jason away from him. Dick didnāt want another to suffer through what he did, especially not a kid so alone in the world. ]
If Iām so wrong about you, then tell me what you want. You really want me to get up and leave?
no subject
[Jason says it wryly, rather than bitter, but he still means it. If one turns out fine, even if he takes off to play cop for a while, and the other one doesn't, then it's probably not the guy who taught them both's fault, it's the difference in the product quality, right?
He laughs, and that sounds bitterly amused.] What I want. [He repeats it. What does he want? Too much. And shit if he knows. Except for one thing.
Well, if he lets that one on, it'll get Dick to stop asking at least, right?
It's stupid, but Jason knows it and does it anyway, leaning forward and pressing his mouth to Dick's in a sudden harsh, hungry kiss. He doesn't touch him otherwise, doesn't try to hold him in something he knows isn't wanted, and leans away after a second, ending it as suddenly as he began it, mouth tingling. He resists the urge to lick his lips.] Yeah, don't think you really want to know what I want.
no subject
His eyes narrow, brows tug together. Itās not disgust on his face, in fact, he doesnāt hate what just happened. Heās plainly, simply, just confused. ]
Howā [ Itās proving to be difficult to translate his thoughts to words. A hand sets on Jasonās knee in an effort to keep things steady. To steady himself, maybe. ] When? I didnāt know. [ Then no. No, he doesnāt know what Jason really wants. He blinks, tilts his head as his gaze drops and then lifts again, holding a quiet question. ] Why didnāt you tell me?
no subject
[His eyes open again when Dick's hand lands on his knee, sudden tension in his body reading easily enough. Jason doesn't really expect it after all of Dick's chasing after him and talk about helping him, but he still braces for a violent reaction he might have to dodge. It's automatic.
But then Dick's hand just sits there and he talks, so Jason relaxes a notch again, closes his eyes. He shrugs.] Bro, I wanted to bang Robin as bad as I wanted to be him. Then I met him and he looked like you, what the fuck do you expect? What was I supposed to do? Not everyone who wants to fuck you is gonna be alien princesses or hot superhero girls or whatever. You gotta put up with a few delinquents in there too.
Why the fuck would I tell you? I didn't expect shit from you, and I wasn't going to make a thing out of it. Look at the bright side though - good reason for you to quit coming after me. Wouldn't want to encourage me.