[ Rain splashes on the pavement next to where Tim had sheltered himself under the eave of an apartment building. His civvies (a black band t-shirt and a pair of jeans) are soaked all the way through. Water droplets drip from his dark hair, sliding down pale skin that's flushed red from the wind that feels colder from being so wet.
People walking by spare him pitying glances, but Tim doesn't pay them much mind. He's been waiting a while. Hasn't looked at his phone so he can't sure exactly how long. An hour at least. A wiser person might have checked that the person they were trying to visit was at home, or at least text them to ask when they would be. But he can't get himself to. Tim thinks he's probably about to be dumped and not in a hurry to rush it. The weather reflects his mood and allows his precious mind to overthink everything, just the way it likes to.
This is his fault, if you think about it. He pushed Dick into dating, could have waited for it to come up naturally but was too eager. Asking right after asking Dick to take his virginity was unfair of him. So it's not terribly surprising that Dick's been too busy to visit or ask him to come over. He has his own life and responsibilities, too. And who knows what he was getting up to as Nightwing. Tim had never doubted Dick, but Nightwing readily admitted he didn't do exclusivity. They aren't actually different people. So was Dick trying to tell him something in the midst of Tim being a playful dork?
There's plenty of time to think while he waited, leaned against the brick. And that's dangerous in itself. ]
[ mother nature has not been on his side. she has been angry at him and at the city, possibly for all the literal and figurative garbage theyāve been leaving in her gutters. thereās been a surge in crime across the city, a number of dead current and former gang members in just the last few weeks. there have been shifts in the already corrupt police department, not to mention whispers of trouble in the ranks of Angel Marin, a disturbing rumour Dick has been obsessed with.
all this runs through his head over and over as he races down the side streets of the city, avoiding the traffic cluttered in its arterials, even at this time of night. the rain pelts relentlessly against his visor, and a sheet of it clouds his visibility in the already blurry neons of the night. his new riding jacket is soaked (he left his old one with Tim) but thankfully, it still keeps the bite of the wind off his skin. he slows down a little. after the gash in his side that heās barely healed from, the last thing he wants is to get into an accident, especially when heās so close to home. so close to a shower, to food, and hopefully, a text or two to Tim.
he thoughts drift away from his cases and toward his boyfriend. it forms a different kind of knot in his gut. a warm one, but a heavy one, a kind of guilt that increasingly tangles itself and wedges under his ribs whenever he thinks about Gotham and Tim. itās been too long. even he knows that. their last little date in costume had been rushed, and though heād kissed Tim, and took him flying, and laughed alongside those adorable antics Tim used to keep him on a cliffās edge guessing what would happen next, it had been too short. heād had to hastily return home with nothing more than a lingering kiss and a promise to see you soon.
the familiar streetscape of his neighbourhood races past him, and on his path to the back of the building for parking, he almost missed the figure standing beneath the awning, leaned up against the brick and cast dramatically in shadow. when the image finally registers in his mind, Dick comes to a skidding stop and plants a foot down to turn the bike around. he pulls to a stop in a spot in front of the building and squints into the rain.
Tim?
the engine quiets beneath him with turn of a key, and Dick is swinging a leg off the bike to climb off it, though the motion is a little more stuttered as usual, his hand needing to reach out to his seat to support himself. he pulls off the helmet and crosses the sidewalk toward Tim. yes, of course heās happy to see Tim, but the surprise visit pulls at the deep-seated paranoia in his mind.
he steps up to Tim and his concerned gaze traces up and down Timās body. why does Tim look so defeated? so sad? his dark hair dripping, his lashes sticking together, the thin fabric of the t-shirt clinging to his shoulders while his body practically quakes apart with the cold? ]
What are you doing here?
[ did he miss a call? a text? there's alarm in his voice. ]
[ The most obvious sign of his misery is that Tim doesn't perk up when he sees Dick. He doesn't get all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed like he tends to when his boyfriend suddenly appears in his vision. Instead, he simply peels himself off of the wall and stands a little straighter, but that's about it. There's a slight shrug at the first question, and he doesn't answer the second. Dick might ask why he stood there for so long without saying anything and that'll lead down the path to it all being over. Tim knows he's here to talk it all out, wants to, even, but the idea still scares him.
Dick holds Tim's heart in his palm. Maybe always has. He brushes some of his wet hair from his eyes and glances towards the entrance to the apartment building. ]
There's some stuff we should talk about.
[ He doesn't feel brave saying it, but the act still takes a fair amount of courage. Tim hasn't ever been one to talk about his feelings. Being with Dick has helped him crawl out of his shell a little, but will that even last if things are over between them?
Tim doesn't reach out for Dick, doesn't seek physical comfort even though he wants it more than anything. Doesn't really feel like he has the right to ask for it at the moment. His hands push into his pockets, but the wet fabric just feels uncomfortable. Even when his head turns back to Dick, Tim doesn't quite look at him. There's no anger in him, nor does there seem to be shame, just an acceptance of what he's sure is coming.
He's never been worth it for anyone else, why would Dick be different? ]
Do you mind if we go inside? It's cold.
[ His voice is steady despite the slight shuddering, and there's no emotion in it. ]
[ some stuff we should talk about could mean anything, but Dick immediately understands that it means between them. about their relationship. there's no real distress in Tim's eyes, which means no one's physically hurt or dead. he's been here a while, which means no real sense of urgency, and there's the way those brilliant blue eyes seem to avoid him now.
Tim shrugs off his question, then ignores the next in a way Tim has never done with him before.
it makes him frown and immediately pulls something tight in his chest. without the helmet, the rain soaks through his hair too, and he slowly nods, understanding that this is serious. ]
Okay, yeah, you're soaked, let's go.
[ he wants to hear it. whatever Tim came here for is important, and the least Dick can do is listen. he steps toward the entrance of the building before he even finishes speaking and unlocks the front door with an unassuming key. he holds it open for Tim and lets him step in first, before they approach the elevator and enter the cab wordlessly. a tiny beep is the only acknowledgement of the retina scanner that will take them up directly to Dick's floor.
as the elevator doors slide closed, Dick turns toward Tim and tries to catch his gaze, even steps a little closer.
but the last thing he wants is to smother Tim when it's obvious that his boyfriend has been building himself up for something. even though the only thing Dick wants is to pull Tim into his arms, he doesn't, because he has to respect that clear want for space right now.
holds his tongue for the forty excruciating seconds it takes for the elevator to climb up to his apartment, his observant gaze carefully trained on Tim the entire way. maybe it's smothering, but it's the least he can do at the moment. the lights come on dim when they finally step into the soaring living room, and he tries for a little smile. ]
I know you wanna talk, Tim, but if it can wait, let's get you warmed up first? Hop in the shower and I'll find you a change of clothes.
[ It's warmer inside, but Tim has to bite hard into his tongue to keep from shivering too dramatically. It takes up so much of his focus that he doesn't notice the way that Dick tries to catch his eyes or when he moves closer. He can feel eyes on him, sure, but it doesn't really strike him as odd that Dick would look at the only other person standing in the elevator.
Tim's first instinct is to deny the shower. Now that he's here it might be best to rip the bandaid off, especially if he's going to be sent back into the rain soon anyway. But he's also smart enough to know that being wet and cold lowers a person's body temperature enough to weaken their immune system, and his is already hindered by having his spleen removed. Things feel bad enough as it is, if ends up sick and has to care for himself all alone, it'll just make his loneliness sting worse. ]
... Okay.
[ The younger of the two says after a brief pause, giving a nod and heading for the bathroom. He leaves the door cracked an strips down, setting his wet clothes neatly in the corner of the room and climbing under the spray of warm water. It feels good, even if his tummy hurts a little from the smell of Dick's soap. Tim thinks of that scent filling his nose the last time they curled up for bed together and he has to take a few shuddering breaths before he gets ahold of himself.
The shower he takes isn't a long one. Tim climbs back out of the shower and dutifully dries himself off before pulling on the clothes that were set on the counter for him. Dick's, because who else would the clothes even belong to? They're big enough on him that they look a little silly, but they're comfortable and they're warm and Tim does his best just to be grateful for that. He pads back out of the bathroom. Wanders a little before he figures out where Dick went, then stands and just kind of gazes at him for a minute before he finally speaks. ]
It's okay if you want to break up with me. I won't be mad at you.
[ Dick is visibly relieved when Tim begrudgingly agrees to a shower, after a long pause. the anticipation knots sickeningly in his gut, but he steadies himself with a slow breath as his boyfriend heads toward the shower, dragging a wet trail on the floor behind him.
if it weren't for the unknown, Dick might have even found the sight cute. Tim, soaked like a little kitten in the rain. however, the sight just worries him now, as he digs through his closet to find a hoodie and a pair of shorts that will no doubt be too big for Tim.
once the shower is running, he changes into a pair of dry sweats and a t-shirt himself, hastily running a hand towel through his hair as he pulls a series of documents and drives out from his bag. he leaves the towel draped around his neck as he opens up a laptop on the couch.
when Tim emerges from the bathroom, Dick is sitting cross-legged sideways on the cushions, laser-focused on his screen. a tiny little crease is drawn between his brows, but his hair is mostly dry, shoulders still tense from how quickly he's trying to digest information.
in fact, it takes him a moments even after he notices Tim padding toward him. he feels Tim staring at him and races against the seconds to save his work, to make sure that nothing is out of place, dark eyes still cast toward the laptop as if he doesn't even notice.
but of course he does. a small breath follows the motion of his hand to shut the laptop screen, his eyes lifting to Tim standing there in front of him, just fractions of a second before Tim speaks.
and renders him speechless. the frown of focus twists on his expression, deepens with confusion as he searches out Tim's face. his mouth parts before he digests Timās words. the laptop gets pushed to the side as he shifts to the front of the cushions, both hands reaching out for Timās. ]
Tim, what?
[ the knot in his stomach twists with dread as a wave of hurt fills his eyes. itās happening. everything he was afraid of. the reason why he was so determined to keep his affections from Tim tamped down, to do anything but feed into the desire to be with Tim. because eventually, he would lose Tim altogether. ]
I donāt want to break up with you. Howāwhere is this coming from?
[ Bile rises in his throat when Dick doesn't seem to notice him at first. It is a relief that Dick says he doesn't want to break up, but Tim's not sure he's ready to believe him just yet. His chest still feels oddly hollow.
Tim is obedient, though, taking Dick's hands when he reaches out for him and holding them in his own. But he's quiet again, even after the questions. Thinks quietly to himself. He'd thought long and hard about what to say in his way to Dick's apartment. Promised himself he'd be brave and just say it. Now that it's time he can't help hesitating. Dick will be annoyed with him. Will confirm that his feelings aren't valid, something Tim constantly tells himself anyway.
He's setting himself up for a world of hurt. But Tim swallows, forces his eyes off the floor, and makes himself get it out. Once he starts, it's hard to stop. ]
You haven't come to Gotham, or asked me to come here. It's been taking longer and longer to get a text back from you. You implied Nightwing sleeps around. I--I asked to be your boyfriend right after you took my virginity and that wasn't fair of me. I just wanted to so bad...
[ Finally, he quiets and looks away again. This is hard for him, it's obvious. He's ashamed of feeling as needy as he does, something that he thought he'd gotten past when he was much younger. But his heart yearns to be around Dick. It isn't fair to ask too much of his boyfriend.
Dick shouldn't have to deal with all of this, he shouldn't. Shouldn't have to have Tim coming to him soaked to the bone ranting to talk when he's clearly got important work to do.
Tim looks so young standing there, vulnerable and hurting. He's convinced himself off a lot of things and seems to be making it all worse. It's an ugly spiral he needs help climbing out of, but he doesn't know how to ask for it. ]
[ Dick searches out Timās expression again, dark, hurt eyes trying to find some sort of hint of to his boyfriend(?)ās thoughts, of what he had done wrong to cause Tim to come all the way to Haven without even a word of warning, suddenly asking if he wants to break up.
has he really fucked up so bad to instill so much uncertainty into their relationship? his hands squeeze Timās smaller ones, and finally, Tim looks away from the floor. and starts talking.
each word makes Dickās brows knit together tighter, the pool of confusion and hurt and guilt twists closer and closer and heās shaking his head before Tim finishes. ]
Tim, Iā¦ [ he truthfully doesnāt know where to start. ] I wanted it too. Really bad, and lately itās beenā [ he cuts himself off because he doesnāt want it all to come out the wrong way. so he tugs on Timās hands. ]
Come here?
[ he wants Tim in his lap, wants to wrap his arms around his clearly hurting boyfriend. ]
Edited (idk what happened LMAO) 2025-02-27 22:42 (UTC)
[ It's honestly a little pathetic how quickly Tim crumples like a leaf the moment Dick tugs on his hands. Immediately crawls into Dick's lap and attaches himself to the man's body, burrowing as close as he can get. Fuck, he should have just started by asking for this and then started talking. Clearly there's a lot he needs to learn.
All of his energy is completely sapped out of him. Dick is warm, and comfortable, and Tim can feel his eyes sting but he's absolutely not going to let himself cry. The last thing he needs is for Dick to think he's too much of a baby to want to deal with. ]
I'm sorry. [ It's whispered out, even though Tim's not sure what part he's apologizing for. Maybe it's for all of it. He doesn't know. But after only a few seconds Tim's shivering stops. He seems to calm entirely, and while he's still worried he's not an anxious mess about to melt into a puddle on the floor. ]
I don't want to lose you, I don't.
[ It feels important to say. Tim's not so wrapped up in his feelings that he can't tell that he's hurt Dick with the things he's said. That was never his intention--his only intention was to give his boyfriend an out if that's what he wanted. To make sure that Dick never felt like he had to date Tim out of some weird obligation. Dick deserves to be with someone he can fall in love with.
His fingers curl around the fabric of Dick's shirt, clinging more than he ever really has. Indulging himself, in case he doesn't get to have this again. ]
[ Tim practically melts into his arms and Dick finally feels that tightness in his chest start to give. for a moment, he just lets himself feel Tim, to finally physically be in the same space again.
Tim apologizes and Dick shakes his head. ]
Itās okay. [ itās whispered back against Timās temple. a slow, shaky breath makes him notice the way Tim smells like him. his soap, his clothes. his. arms wrap around a trim waist and he pulls Tim closer, so his boyfriend can feel that heās wanted, that Dick doesnāt want to lose him either. he can feel Timās hand in his shirt, all those nerves twisting in the fabric of his shirt like itās an anchor keeping him from being swept away by all those hurt feelings. ]
I havenāt been present enough for you. [ guilt darkens his gaze as he lifts his head back to look at Tim. a hand cups the smooth slope of Timās cheek. he has to explain, to make things right. ] Iām sorry. And Iām sorry for what I said about Nightwing. I didnāt mean to imply that Iāll sleep around. Iā¦
[ he hesitates, looking away for a beat to find the words. ]
I just meant that I donāt date in the suit.
[ his eyes lift back up to Timās, to assess what he might find there. yes, his own feelings are hurt, too. he canāt distinguish the sting of surprise that this is happening, from the burn of feeling inadequate. he fucked it up. just like he had been scared he would. ]
I donāt want anyone except for you. Do you hear me?
[ Those strong arms fit around Tim just right and it's a balm to his very soul. He can feel the tension bleed from his body, and though he keeps ahold of Dick's shirt, the color returns to his knuckles. He breathes and listens, tries to process what he hears.
The part about not dating in the suit only partly makes sense to him, but it's not worth trying to parse. As long as Dick isn't going to see other people, it's really the only thing that matters.
Tim leans into the hand against his cheek. Dick doesn't want anyone else. Could have pretty much anyone he wants but who he wants is Tim--hearing it make his eyes a little watery from relief and he has to close them to keep ahold of himself. He nods with a shaky breath to confirm that he understands, but he needs another moment before he trusts himself to speak. He swallows hard, and then takes another shot. ]
I don't want anyone else, either. And I don't want to break up, I just didn't want you to feel trapped.
[ Despite any flaw that Dick might have, Tim only wants what's best for him. But damn, does he want to be what's best for him.
He has zero interest in playing the blame game or trying to make Dick feel guilty. What would that improve? He's just as much at fault for this. He needs to step up and be mature.
This time, his voice is softer and a little more careful. He's trying to be brave about sharing. Genuinely believes that being vulnerable is the only solution that won't make things a hundred times worse. ]
I need to get better, too. At asking for what I need, or trying to--to talk when I'm confused. I have as much responsibility as you do in this.
Youāre better at that than you think you are, Tim.
[ he says just as calmly. he appreciates what Tim is doing and can see the effort heās putting into sharing. a thumb sweeps along the top of Timās cheek, gentle and affectionate, despite how precarious their conversation feels. ]
Youāre here. [ here before Dick even knew there was anything wrong at all. ] And youāre telling me how you feel. Iām so glad you are, because I would never want you to be alone if youāre hurting.
[ his hand finds Timās chin to try and catch his eye. he can see the emotions starting to rim that brilliant blue, sees the way Tim tries to hold back and stay strong. ]
Listen to me. I chose to be with you the same way I chose to take your virginity. I chose to be your boyfriend. [ a small smile softens the corners of his mouth, because every time he thinks about it, that Tim is his boyfriend, a tenderness blooms within him. ]
You didnātā¦trap me, Tim. Do you remember what I said to you that day? I told you Iāve had feelings for you for a long time. My heart was yours way before that night.
[ The red of his cheeks darken, but he holds Dick's gaze looking positively reverent. There's no one like the man in front of him to make his heart flutter, to rid his soul of the loneliness it's always known. What Dick says is exactly what he needs to hear, and it being said with such an adoring smile just adds to it. He knows that his boyfriend means it, isn't just saying things to placate him.
Dick did choose to be his boyfriend. He could have said no. Though he probably would want to spare Tim's feelings, he wouldn't have taken the easy way out if it hurt him in the long run. Tim needs to trust that and remind himself of it when he feels himself slipping into that spiral that catches him on his worst days. ]
Your heart has been mine for a long time.
[ God, does it feel nice to say. One of his hands presses flat against Dick's chest, like he can feel his heart just beneath his fingertips. Tim leans forward and presses a soft kiss to his boyfriend's lips, then rests his head against the man's shoulder. ]
[ he breathes the words before Tim leans in for a kiss, and his eyes shut to the feeling of it. but when Tim's head presses to a shoulder, he tenses, a wince at the moment's pain from the pressure against a spot that hasn't healed yet. it's just a brief second, and he hopes Tim doesn't notice it. ]
Are you?
[ it's a gentle question that expresses his own doubts. he's not good at the whole relationship thing. he isn't aware enough of the amount of work he actually should put in. there are things he needs to change about his life, he knows that now. ]
Even if I'm in a whole other city? And I don't visit enough? Or text enough?
[ Of course Tim notices. Tim notices everything. He pulls back, giving a concerned look. Is Dick hurt? He hadn't told Tim about anything.
But he's quickly distracted from that line of thought when he hears the question. It's a fair one to ask, he supposes. Tim doesn't want Dick to doubt his desire to be in a relationship, but he did just sort of appear at his apartment out of nowhere telling Dick it would be okay if he wanted to.
So he looks a little sad about it, but nods his head without hesitation. Keeps his voice quiet and gentle. ]
Even if you live in a different city, and don't visit enough or text enough. I'll miss you, but I'll still be yours.
[ He'll have to try to be a little less needy. Which is sort of funny, because Tim never thought that'd be an issue that he had, he always figured it would be the opposite. Because in past relationships, it was him leaving some distance. ]
I've never felt this way about anyone before. I wasn't even sure I could.
[ There's an earnestness glowing in his eyes, subdued by the depth of the moment but still managing to shine through. Tim really means it--Dick is special. He's always been the exception to the rule. ]
[ the smile softens on Dick's expression, his eyes warming to Tim's words. he understood what Tim was trying to say. it must be hard to put aside all that rational thinking with a mind that noticed everything and analysed every detail. luckily, Tim liked him enough to set all that aside and deal with the distance, his unresponsiveness, his bad habit of disappearing every once in a while to drown in his work. ]
Thanks, Tim. [ he sees the genuine adoration in Tim's eyes, and it amazes him how even just that loosens the knot in his chest. ] Didn't think I could, either. I always thought that everything else was priority, but with you...you make me realize what's important.
[ it's a promise that he intends to keep.
all his past relationships that fell apart because work was more important, because saving other people and relationships that were not his own were more important, even if it meant giving up his own love. as unexpected and shocking as it was to have Tim show up at his apartment, soaking wet and telling him it was okay to break up, it was what he needed to properly see what he was letting happen. ]
I don't ever want you to ever feel like I don't wanna be with you again, hm? So if you ever miss me, just call me, okay? I promise I'll pick up.
[ Dick is implying that Tim is what's really important, and it makes the fluttery little butterflies in his chest explode with happiness. His cheeks flush darker and he has to glance away shyly.
He feels loved, and it's probably the best thing he's ever felt. Tim rewards him with another gentle kiss, a sweet little affection. But he's careful not to press the spot that made Dick flinch earlier. ]
Do you think I could stay the night? If you don't already have plans.
[ He doesn't really want to go back out to the pouring rain, his clothes probably aren't dry yet anyway. Though at this point he is genuinely debating stealing what Dick let him borrow. Getting to have some of his boyfriend's clothes makes the distance a little easier.
But he won't be angry if Dick has other things to do. Tim showed up out of no where, he's not so egotistical that he expects his boyfriend to drop everything. ]
Even if I just stay on the couch or something. I don't want to get all wet again.
What? [ there's genuine surprise lifting his brows as Tim asks him to stay ]. Of course you can stay the night. In bed, with me. There's no way I'm letting you sleep on the couch.
[ he smiles warmly, with a shake of his head. he's aware that Tim is trying to be courteous, and he appreciates it. he presses a kiss to Tim's lips. ]
I missed you. You're not getting away from me now.
[ If Tim were a cat he'd be purring, pleased with the result he got and at the idea of getting to snuggle up in his boyfriend's arms.
As it is he just smiled against those perfect lips and nods his head. Tim doesn't even realize that he's the one suggesting sleep at some point, so mark self care down as something that he improves on when Dick is around. ]
I just know it's rude to invite myself.
[ Janet always made sure that little Timmy minded his manners, he couldn't make her look bad. And, well, sometimes old habits die hard.
It's still a little early to go to bed, but he's content to snuggle to and share the same air with someone he cares so much about. Being like this washes away his insecurities and make everything just feel... better. ]
Weāre so past that, Tim. You know that, donāt you?
[ even as he asks the question, he knows the answer. Tim doesnāt know it. Tim operated from a place of thinking he wasnāt wanted unless he was explicitly told so, or was providing something useful. Dick knew that from all the years of working with Tim, training him, and being part of the only family they now had. And somehow, he had been blind to it when it comes to their relationship.
he searches out Timās expression at that declaration of belonging, and brushes their noses together even as his smile turns a little sad at the thought. ]
Iām yours too. All of me, so you can come here whenever you want, Tim. Just know that you have an open invitation to my bed and my life.
[ he doesnāt normally like surprises, but where Tim is involved, things always seem to work a little differently. ]
[ Tim knows that Dick knows him well enough that he doesn't really need to answer the question. Feeling wanted is still something new to him, and perhaps with a bit more time he can shake that mentality and just embrace that as Dick's boyfriend, he's welcome without invitation.
He'll work on it. ]
I'll probably still try to give you a heads up. To make sure you're actually home.
[ The grin he gives is a little sheepish, because immediately he thinks about his probability of hacking into Dick's security systems and getting in without him even there. Might be an interesting test, at some point. If Barbara helped at all they might be too advanced for even Tim.
Tim shakes that thought away and steals another kiss, can't seem to help himself. He's obsessed with the way Dick's lips feel against his own, soft and warm. Every little peck is a steady reminder that this is real, that this is one good thing he's allowed to have without feeling any guilt. No matter what his brain tried to convince him of sometimes. ]
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People walking by spare him pitying glances, but Tim doesn't pay them much mind. He's been waiting a while. Hasn't looked at his phone so he can't sure exactly how long. An hour at least. A wiser person might have checked that the person they were trying to visit was at home, or at least text them to ask when they would be. But he can't get himself to. Tim thinks he's probably about to be dumped and not in a hurry to rush it. The weather reflects his mood and allows his precious mind to overthink everything, just the way it likes to.
This is his fault, if you think about it. He pushed Dick into dating, could have waited for it to come up naturally but was too eager. Asking right after asking Dick to take his virginity was unfair of him. So it's not terribly surprising that Dick's been too busy to visit or ask him to come over. He has his own life and responsibilities, too. And who knows what he was getting up to as Nightwing. Tim had never doubted Dick, but Nightwing readily admitted he didn't do exclusivity. They aren't actually different people. So was Dick trying to tell him something in the midst of Tim being a playful dork?
There's plenty of time to think while he waited, leaned against the brick. And that's dangerous in itself. ]
no subject
all this runs through his head over and over as he races down the side streets of the city, avoiding the traffic cluttered in its arterials, even at this time of night. the rain pelts relentlessly against his visor, and a sheet of it clouds his visibility in the already blurry neons of the night. his new riding jacket is soaked (he left his old one with Tim) but thankfully, it still keeps the bite of the wind off his skin. he slows down a little. after the gash in his side that heās barely healed from, the last thing he wants is to get into an accident, especially when heās so close to home. so close to a shower, to food, and hopefully, a text or two to Tim.
he thoughts drift away from his cases and toward his boyfriend. it forms a different kind of knot in his gut. a warm one, but a heavy one, a kind of guilt that increasingly tangles itself and wedges under his ribs whenever he thinks about Gotham and Tim. itās been too long. even he knows that. their last little date in costume had been rushed, and though heād kissed Tim, and took him flying, and laughed alongside those adorable antics Tim used to keep him on a cliffās edge guessing what would happen next, it had been too short. heād had to hastily return home with nothing more than a lingering kiss and a promise to see you soon.
the familiar streetscape of his neighbourhood races past him, and on his path to the back of the building for parking, he almost missed the figure standing beneath the awning, leaned up against the brick and cast dramatically in shadow. when the image finally registers in his mind, Dick comes to a skidding stop and plants a foot down to turn the bike around. he pulls to a stop in a spot in front of the building and squints into the rain.
Tim?
the engine quiets beneath him with turn of a key, and Dick is swinging a leg off the bike to climb off it, though the motion is a little more stuttered as usual, his hand needing to reach out to his seat to support himself. he pulls off the helmet and crosses the sidewalk toward Tim. yes, of course heās happy to see Tim, but the surprise visit pulls at the deep-seated paranoia in his mind.
he steps up to Tim and his concerned gaze traces up and down Timās body. why does Tim look so defeated? so sad? his dark hair dripping, his lashes sticking together, the thin fabric of the t-shirt clinging to his shoulders while his body practically quakes apart with the cold? ]
What are you doing here?
[ did he miss a call? a text? there's alarm in his voice. ]
How long have you been standing here?
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Dick holds Tim's heart in his palm. Maybe always has. He brushes some of his wet hair from his eyes and glances towards the entrance to the apartment building. ]
There's some stuff we should talk about.
[ He doesn't feel brave saying it, but the act still takes a fair amount of courage. Tim hasn't ever been one to talk about his feelings. Being with Dick has helped him crawl out of his shell a little, but will that even last if things are over between them?
Tim doesn't reach out for Dick, doesn't seek physical comfort even though he wants it more than anything. Doesn't really feel like he has the right to ask for it at the moment. His hands push into his pockets, but the wet fabric just feels uncomfortable. Even when his head turns back to Dick, Tim doesn't quite look at him. There's no anger in him, nor does there seem to be shame, just an acceptance of what he's sure is coming.
He's never been worth it for anyone else, why would Dick be different? ]
Do you mind if we go inside? It's cold.
[ His voice is steady despite the slight shuddering, and there's no emotion in it. ]
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Tim shrugs off his question, then ignores the next in a way Tim has never done with him before.
it makes him frown and immediately pulls something tight in his chest. without the helmet, the rain soaks through his hair too, and he slowly nods, understanding that this is serious. ]
Okay, yeah, you're soaked, let's go.
[ he wants to hear it. whatever Tim came here for is important, and the least Dick can do is listen. he steps toward the entrance of the building before he even finishes speaking and unlocks the front door with an unassuming key. he holds it open for Tim and lets him step in first, before they approach the elevator and enter the cab wordlessly. a tiny beep is the only acknowledgement of the retina scanner that will take them up directly to Dick's floor.
as the elevator doors slide closed, Dick turns toward Tim and tries to catch his gaze, even steps a little closer.
but the last thing he wants is to smother Tim when it's obvious that his boyfriend has been building himself up for something. even though the only thing Dick wants is to pull Tim into his arms, he doesn't, because he has to respect that clear want for space right now.
holds his tongue for the forty excruciating seconds it takes for the elevator to climb up to his apartment, his observant gaze carefully trained on Tim the entire way. maybe it's smothering, but it's the least he can do at the moment. the lights come on dim when they finally step into the soaring living room, and he tries for a little smile. ]
I know you wanna talk, Tim, but if it can wait, let's get you warmed up first? Hop in the shower and I'll find you a change of clothes.
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Tim's first instinct is to deny the shower. Now that he's here it might be best to rip the bandaid off, especially if he's going to be sent back into the rain soon anyway. But he's also smart enough to know that being wet and cold lowers a person's body temperature enough to weaken their immune system, and his is already hindered by having his spleen removed. Things feel bad enough as it is, if ends up sick and has to care for himself all alone, it'll just make his loneliness sting worse. ]
... Okay.
[ The younger of the two says after a brief pause, giving a nod and heading for the bathroom. He leaves the door cracked an strips down, setting his wet clothes neatly in the corner of the room and climbing under the spray of warm water. It feels good, even if his tummy hurts a little from the smell of Dick's soap. Tim thinks of that scent filling his nose the last time they curled up for bed together and he has to take a few shuddering breaths before he gets ahold of himself.
The shower he takes isn't a long one. Tim climbs back out of the shower and dutifully dries himself off before pulling on the clothes that were set on the counter for him. Dick's, because who else would the clothes even belong to? They're big enough on him that they look a little silly, but they're comfortable and they're warm and Tim does his best just to be grateful for that. He pads back out of the bathroom. Wanders a little before he figures out where Dick went, then stands and just kind of gazes at him for a minute before he finally speaks. ]
It's okay if you want to break up with me. I won't be mad at you.
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if it weren't for the unknown, Dick might have even found the sight cute. Tim, soaked like a little kitten in the rain. however, the sight just worries him now, as he digs through his closet to find a hoodie and a pair of shorts that will no doubt be too big for Tim.
once the shower is running, he changes into a pair of dry sweats and a t-shirt himself, hastily running a hand towel through his hair as he pulls a series of documents and drives out from his bag. he leaves the towel draped around his neck as he opens up a laptop on the couch.
when Tim emerges from the bathroom, Dick is sitting cross-legged sideways on the cushions, laser-focused on his screen. a tiny little crease is drawn between his brows, but his hair is mostly dry, shoulders still tense from how quickly he's trying to digest information.
in fact, it takes him a moments even after he notices Tim padding toward him. he feels Tim staring at him and races against the seconds to save his work, to make sure that nothing is out of place, dark eyes still cast toward the laptop as if he doesn't even notice.
but of course he does. a small breath follows the motion of his hand to shut the laptop screen, his eyes lifting to Tim standing there in front of him, just fractions of a second before Tim speaks.
and renders him speechless. the frown of focus twists on his expression, deepens with confusion as he searches out Tim's face. his mouth parts before he digests Timās words. the laptop gets pushed to the side as he shifts to the front of the cushions, both hands reaching out for Timās. ]
Tim, what?
[ the knot in his stomach twists with dread as a wave of hurt fills his eyes. itās happening. everything he was afraid of. the reason why he was so determined to keep his affections from Tim tamped down, to do anything but feed into the desire to be with Tim. because eventually, he would lose Tim altogether. ]
I donāt want to break up with you. Howāwhere is this coming from?
[ do you want to break up with me? ]
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Tim is obedient, though, taking Dick's hands when he reaches out for him and holding them in his own. But he's quiet again, even after the questions. Thinks quietly to himself. He'd thought long and hard about what to say in his way to Dick's apartment. Promised himself he'd be brave and just say it. Now that it's time he can't help hesitating. Dick will be annoyed with him. Will confirm that his feelings aren't valid, something Tim constantly tells himself anyway.
He's setting himself up for a world of hurt. But Tim swallows, forces his eyes off the floor, and makes himself get it out. Once he starts, it's hard to stop. ]
You haven't come to Gotham, or asked me to come here. It's been taking longer and longer to get a text back from you. You implied Nightwing sleeps around. I--I asked to be your boyfriend right after you took my virginity and that wasn't fair of me. I just wanted to so bad...
[ Finally, he quiets and looks away again. This is hard for him, it's obvious. He's ashamed of feeling as needy as he does, something that he thought he'd gotten past when he was much younger. But his heart yearns to be around Dick. It isn't fair to ask too much of his boyfriend.
Dick shouldn't have to deal with all of this, he shouldn't. Shouldn't have to have Tim coming to him soaked to the bone ranting to talk when he's clearly got important work to do.
Tim looks so young standing there, vulnerable and hurting. He's convinced himself off a lot of things and seems to be making it all worse. It's an ugly spiral he needs help climbing out of, but he doesn't know how to ask for it. ]
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has he really fucked up so bad to instill so much uncertainty into their relationship? his hands squeeze Timās smaller ones, and finally, Tim looks away from the floor. and starts talking.
each word makes Dickās brows knit together tighter, the pool of confusion and hurt and guilt twists closer and closer and heās shaking his head before Tim finishes. ]
Tim, Iā¦ [ he truthfully doesnāt know where to start. ] I wanted it too. Really bad, and lately itās beenā [ he cuts himself off because he doesnāt want it all to come out the wrong way. so he tugs on Timās hands. ]
Come here?
[ he wants Tim in his lap, wants to wrap his arms around his clearly hurting boyfriend. ]
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All of his energy is completely sapped out of him. Dick is warm, and comfortable, and Tim can feel his eyes sting but he's absolutely not going to let himself cry. The last thing he needs is for Dick to think he's too much of a baby to want to deal with. ]
I'm sorry. [ It's whispered out, even though Tim's not sure what part he's apologizing for. Maybe it's for all of it. He doesn't know. But after only a few seconds Tim's shivering stops. He seems to calm entirely, and while he's still worried he's not an anxious mess about to melt into a puddle on the floor. ]
I don't want to lose you, I don't.
[ It feels important to say. Tim's not so wrapped up in his feelings that he can't tell that he's hurt Dick with the things he's said. That was never his intention--his only intention was to give his boyfriend an out if that's what he wanted. To make sure that Dick never felt like he had to date Tim out of some weird obligation. Dick deserves to be with someone he can fall in love with.
His fingers curl around the fabric of Dick's shirt, clinging more than he ever really has. Indulging himself, in case he doesn't get to have this again. ]
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Tim apologizes and Dick shakes his head. ]
Itās okay. [ itās whispered back against Timās temple. a slow, shaky breath makes him notice the way Tim smells like him. his soap, his clothes. his. arms wrap around a trim waist and he pulls Tim closer, so his boyfriend can feel that heās wanted, that Dick doesnāt want to lose him either. he can feel Timās hand in his shirt, all those nerves twisting in the fabric of his shirt like itās an anchor keeping him from being swept away by all those hurt feelings. ]
I havenāt been present enough for you. [ guilt darkens his gaze as he lifts his head back to look at Tim. a hand cups the smooth slope of Timās cheek. he has to explain, to make things right. ] Iām sorry. And Iām sorry for what I said about Nightwing. I didnāt mean to imply that Iāll sleep around. Iā¦
[ he hesitates, looking away for a beat to find the words. ]
I just meant that I donāt date in the suit.
[ his eyes lift back up to Timās, to assess what he might find there. yes, his own feelings are hurt, too. he canāt distinguish the sting of surprise that this is happening, from the burn of feeling inadequate. he fucked it up. just like he had been scared he would. ]
I donāt want anyone except for you. Do you hear me?
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The part about not dating in the suit only partly makes sense to him, but it's not worth trying to parse. As long as Dick isn't going to see other people, it's really the only thing that matters.
Tim leans into the hand against his cheek. Dick doesn't want anyone else. Could have pretty much anyone he wants but who he wants is Tim--hearing it make his eyes a little watery from relief and he has to close them to keep ahold of himself. He nods with a shaky breath to confirm that he understands, but he needs another moment before he trusts himself to speak. He swallows hard, and then takes another shot. ]
I don't want anyone else, either. And I don't want to break up, I just didn't want you to feel trapped.
[ Despite any flaw that Dick might have, Tim only wants what's best for him. But damn, does he want to be what's best for him.
He has zero interest in playing the blame game or trying to make Dick feel guilty. What would that improve? He's just as much at fault for this. He needs to step up and be mature.
This time, his voice is softer and a little more careful. He's trying to be brave about sharing. Genuinely believes that being vulnerable is the only solution that won't make things a hundred times worse. ]
I need to get better, too. At asking for what I need, or trying to--to talk when I'm confused. I have as much responsibility as you do in this.
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[ he says just as calmly. he appreciates what Tim is doing and can see the effort heās putting into sharing. a thumb sweeps along the top of Timās cheek, gentle and affectionate, despite how precarious their conversation feels. ]
Youāre here. [ here before Dick even knew there was anything wrong at all. ] And youāre telling me how you feel. Iām so glad you are, because I would never want you to be alone if youāre hurting.
[ his hand finds Timās chin to try and catch his eye. he can see the emotions starting to rim that brilliant blue, sees the way Tim tries to hold back and stay strong. ]
Listen to me. I chose to be with you the same way I chose to take your virginity. I chose to be your boyfriend. [ a small smile softens the corners of his mouth, because every time he thinks about it, that Tim is his boyfriend, a tenderness blooms within him. ]
You didnātā¦trap me, Tim. Do you remember what I said to you that day? I told you Iāve had feelings for you for a long time. My heart was yours way before that night.
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Dick did choose to be his boyfriend. He could have said no. Though he probably would want to spare Tim's feelings, he wouldn't have taken the easy way out if it hurt him in the long run. Tim needs to trust that and remind himself of it when he feels himself slipping into that spiral that catches him on his worst days. ]
Your heart has been mine for a long time.
[ God, does it feel nice to say. One of his hands presses flat against Dick's chest, like he can feel his heart just beneath his fingertips. Tim leans forward and presses a soft kiss to his boyfriend's lips, then rests his head against the man's shoulder. ]
I'm really glad you're my boyfriend.
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[ he breathes the words before Tim leans in for a kiss, and his eyes shut to the feeling of it. but when Tim's head presses to a shoulder, he tenses, a wince at the moment's pain from the pressure against a spot that hasn't healed yet. it's just a brief second, and he hopes Tim doesn't notice it. ]
Are you?
[ it's a gentle question that expresses his own doubts. he's not good at the whole relationship thing. he isn't aware enough of the amount of work he actually should put in. there are things he needs to change about his life, he knows that now. ]
Even if I'm in a whole other city? And I don't visit enough? Or text enough?
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But he's quickly distracted from that line of thought when he hears the question. It's a fair one to ask, he supposes. Tim doesn't want Dick to doubt his desire to be in a relationship, but he did just sort of appear at his apartment out of nowhere telling Dick it would be okay if he wanted to.
So he looks a little sad about it, but nods his head without hesitation. Keeps his voice quiet and gentle. ]
Even if you live in a different city, and don't visit enough or text enough. I'll miss you, but I'll still be yours.
[ He'll have to try to be a little less needy. Which is sort of funny, because Tim never thought that'd be an issue that he had, he always figured it would be the opposite. Because in past relationships, it was him leaving some distance. ]
I've never felt this way about anyone before. I wasn't even sure I could.
[ There's an earnestness glowing in his eyes, subdued by the depth of the moment but still managing to shine through. Tim really means it--Dick is special. He's always been the exception to the rule. ]
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Thanks, Tim. [ he sees the genuine adoration in Tim's eyes, and it amazes him how even just that loosens the knot in his chest. ] Didn't think I could, either. I always thought that everything else was priority, but with you...you make me realize what's important.
[ it's a promise that he intends to keep.
all his past relationships that fell apart because work was more important, because saving other people and relationships that were not his own were more important, even if it meant giving up his own love. as unexpected and shocking as it was to have Tim show up at his apartment, soaking wet and telling him it was okay to break up, it was what he needed to properly see what he was letting happen. ]
I don't ever want you to ever feel like I don't wanna be with you again, hm? So if you ever miss me, just call me, okay? I promise I'll pick up.
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He feels loved, and it's probably the best thing he's ever felt. Tim rewards him with another gentle kiss, a sweet little affection. But he's careful not to press the spot that made Dick flinch earlier. ]
Do you think I could stay the night? If you don't already have plans.
[ He doesn't really want to go back out to the pouring rain, his clothes probably aren't dry yet anyway. Though at this point he is genuinely debating stealing what Dick let him borrow. Getting to have some of his boyfriend's clothes makes the distance a little easier.
But he won't be angry if Dick has other things to do. Tim showed up out of no where, he's not so egotistical that he expects his boyfriend to drop everything. ]
Even if I just stay on the couch or something. I don't want to get all wet again.
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[ he smiles warmly, with a shake of his head. he's aware that Tim is trying to be courteous, and he appreciates it. he presses a kiss to Tim's lips. ]
I missed you. You're not getting away from me now.
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As it is he just smiled against those perfect lips and nods his head. Tim doesn't even realize that he's the one suggesting sleep at some point, so mark self care down as something that he improves on when Dick is around. ]
I just know it's rude to invite myself.
[ Janet always made sure that little Timmy minded his manners, he couldn't make her look bad. And, well, sometimes old habits die hard.
It's still a little early to go to bed, but he's content to snuggle to and share the same air with someone he cares so much about. Being like this washes away his insecurities and make everything just feel... better. ]
I'm all yours.
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[ even as he asks the question, he knows the answer. Tim doesnāt know it. Tim operated from a place of thinking he wasnāt wanted unless he was explicitly told so, or was providing something useful. Dick knew that from all the years of working with Tim, training him, and being part of the only family they now had. And somehow, he had been blind to it when it comes to their relationship.
he searches out Timās expression at that declaration of belonging, and brushes their noses together even as his smile turns a little sad at the thought. ]
Iām yours too. All of me, so you can come here whenever you want, Tim. Just know that you have an open invitation to my bed and my life.
[ he doesnāt normally like surprises, but where Tim is involved, things always seem to work a little differently. ]
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He'll work on it. ]
I'll probably still try to give you a heads up. To make sure you're actually home.
[ The grin he gives is a little sheepish, because immediately he thinks about his probability of hacking into Dick's security systems and getting in without him even there. Might be an interesting test, at some point. If Barbara helped at all they might be too advanced for even Tim.
Tim shakes that thought away and steals another kiss, can't seem to help himself. He's obsessed with the way Dick's lips feel against his own, soft and warm. Every little peck is a steady reminder that this is real, that this is one good thing he's allowed to have without feeling any guilt. No matter what his brain tried to convince him of sometimes. ]