farcry | anything can be taken from you.

[Jason looks down, nodding at Dick's question then reaches out to quickly and gently press Dick back against the bed.]

Hey, come on...the nurse said you shouldn't try to sit up just yet. Let your body rest, ok?

[It's easier to focus on that, than the intense heartache that seems to be rushing through his entire body. Dick doesn't remember. Everything that they've been building up on all this time. Being in love, Jason coming over here, the two of them making love, the way Dick has been holding him together-- he doesn't remember.

Jason wants to scream.]

It's okay. It's ok.

[ he resists against Jason only for the moment it takes for his mind to sort through what he's seeing. Jason nods, and it all makes a lot of sense, even if he doesn't remember it. he can feel it in Jason's touch, in the care of his words, the pain of his expression, like he's finally been able to work through all the layers of prickly defenses Jason shields himself with. it's hard to tell if the way his body reacts is imagined or real, and if the sense of familiarity is his own longing, or the lingering of something in his memory.

but how does he reconciliate the seemingly new realization that he actually wants Jason with the new found information that he has Jason? he doesn't know what to say, and for once in his life, he's at a loss as to what to do too. slowly, he follows the motion of Jason's hand and sinks into the bed again, gaze never leaving Jason's face. ]

The nurse said it's temporary. I've woken up disoriented before. It'll just take time. [ never took this long, but it's all different. his death-grip on Jason's hand relaxes just so, shifting into something steady and determined now. ] I'm still here, Jason. With you.

[Dick tries to tease him about his memory, and Jason feels guilty about it. He should be the one reassuring Jason right now, not the other way around.

That, and they really don't know what'll happen yet. Maybe Dick won't remember anything at all. At least he doesn't seem disgusted by it though. He doesn't recoil from the thought of being with a murderer.]

You don't gotta force anything, ok? It's fine.

[He finally lifts his gaze to look at Dick again, trying to sound reassuring as well.]

I just want you to be ok.

[ his mind still feels like molasses, but what he does know is that he's awake, he's alive, and he thinks he's making sense, though there's no way to tell that for sure yet.

the heartbreak is written clear on Jason's face. he can see it in those reddened eyes that look like they've been soaked in tears. he can emphasize with that. he knows what loss feels like, he knows heartbreak. he nods, knowing he's incapable of forcing anything anyway. he doesn't know how he felt about Jason before, what exactly happened between them or how, but Jason is still family, and Jason chose to help take down Crane in the end.

but is it stupid to feel like he can trust Jason now? the thought brings a wrinkle in his mind before he smoothes it over, reassuring himself that what he sees on Jason's face is real. ]

Thanks. I'll be okay. [ slowly, he loosens his grip around Jason's hand, though he doesn't pull away. he even manages a small smile that doesn't quite warm his eyes. ] Don't worry.

[If Dick doesn't remember, Jason knows he deserves it. Maybe this is it. The punishment for him being such trash. And then he realizes how selfish that is. This isn't about him at all. Fuck his stupid feelings.

Dick is alive and that's all they should matter. It doesn't work that way though -- he still feels devastated.

But he'll reel it in now, cause what else can he do? His moments- he's precious moments with Dick are lost, at least for now, and he's not even really sure how Dick feels about him, or any of it. All he knows is that Dick tells him he's still here with him. That has to be good enough.]

Don't worry- right. I'll try not to.

[When Dick loosens his grip, Jason slides his hand away and curls his arms around himself.]

You should get some sleep, ok? You got real banged up. You need to rest.

Yeah. Alright. [ Dick's hand drops back to the blanket, nodding. he knows it's not much help to tell Jason not to worry. once Rachel finds out how much he doesn't remember, she'll be worried too, as will the rest of his team. ]

On your way out, Jason, could you ask the nurse when they're willing to discharge me?

Yeah. I'll ask. But don't push that either, alright? I know you fucking hate hospitals and this is the last place you wanna be right now, but...stay as long as they need make sure-- especially with the memory loss.

[What if it gets worse? Or what if they can do something to make it better? He doubts the latter, but he's grasping at any hope right now.

He so desperately wants to lean in and kiss Dick, and he almost does, but he figures that would be really fucking weird for Dick right now, and probably unwanted, so he stops himself.]

I'll be back.

[ that's what everyone always says--don't push it, stay in the hospital, take time to rest, to recover and so on, but Dick knows there's a lot he needs to do.

he has to go through all his records, read all the texts on his phone from a year back, review footage, read all the notes he left for himself and retrace whatever steps he can. he has contingencies in place for this exact situation, and he's relying on all those things to help him recover his memory. it's not permanent. it can't be. there's no way he's letting himself lose a whole year of his life. that's what he needs to do to make things better. not stay in the hospital, where they'll run tests and monitor his vitals and make him wait. he's not the passively waiting type.

but right this moment, the thought of arguing that with Jason is exhausting, so all he does is nod. ]

Alright. See you.

[ outside in the hallway, Rachel hangs up the phone and sighs, rubbing her eyes at having to break the news to Gar and the rest of the team. Dick said that they have to pick up the slack now, and she knows what has to be done.

she should go back to the tower and help sort things out, now that Dick isn't there to do so, but what about Jason? unsure, she bites her lip, standing outside the door and thinking, wanting also to give Jason and Dick a moment alone. ]

[ That's what everyone always says, but this isn't everyone, it's Jason, and Jason knows Dick better than anyone else these days. But it's not that way with Dick anymore, and the longer they talk, the more it feels like this isn't just some kind of brief waking up memory loss. Dick hit his head hard, and then he was in that induced coma-- who the fuck knows.

And then Dick says see you- so casually, like he has no idea how desperate Jason feels, and how much he wants to climb into that bed and hold him and kiss him. How much he fucking loves him. ]

I--

[He starts, but the words don't make it out of him. Dick doesn't love him back this time. He probably feels like Jason was jus their enemy. Maybe he's thinking that Jason's making all of this up to get to him or hurt him. ]

See you.

[He doesn't know how he manages to get the words out, but he does, and then he's out the door. He doesn't even see Rachel as he just keeps going, trying to get out of this place as fast as he can, everything a blur around him. Once he's out the Emergency Room exit he can't hold it back anymore. He moves to the side of the building and pukes behind the bushes, fingers digging into the wall.]

Jason? [ Rachel calls as Jason bursts out of Dick's room, hurrying across her vision and down the hallway. almost immediately, she's on his heels, following him the best she could, but it doesn't seem like he even knows she's there. alarm builds up inside her from what she can read of Jason's body language, and she has to hold out a hand to prevent the doors of the exit from shutting on her.

when he doubles over at the side of the building, Rachel finally catches up and slows down, stepping quietly up to his side. with anyone else, she'd reach out and pat them on the back as some form of comfort, but she's never been that way with Jason, and she doesn't know how he'll react to it now. ]

Jason... [ she just says his name softly, then reaches into the bag containing her purchases from the cafeteria to holds out a bottle of water. ]

[ He doesn't even hear her. Not until he's done puking his guts out-aside from the fact that there's hardly anything in him to puke out. It's more of a sob really, and then he finally realizes she is there, but he doesn't even have it in him to feel embarrassed.

Still, he wipes the fresh tears from his eyes, leaning back against the wall. He tries to steady his breathing as well, but that part's almost impossible. He looks at the bottle of water Rachel holds out to him and god, he fucking wishes it were something stronger. In this moment he remembers very vividly why he took those drugs. It wasn't as much anger as anguish, and the absolute need to get rid of what was going on inside of him.

He feels like he's gonna fall all over again.

He takes the water, but he doesn't drink from it just yet. ]

I was supposed to-- I gotta ask the nurse. The doctor... he wants to know when he can be discharged. I told him I'd ask.

[ Jason looks so, so sad, almost as bad as he did when Dick hadn’t woken up yet, like his whole world had crumbled beneath his feet. she lets go of the bottle when he takes it, her own expression tired and worried. ]

Okay… I can ask for him instead, if you need a minute to just… [ she doesn’t even know what to say, what Jason needs. ] Jason, he’s awake now. Dick’s awake.

[ Jason nods numbly, suddenly feeling so out of place here. Like he doesn't belong, all over again. That thought alone makes him want to disappear and just get wasted out of his head. No one will care. No one will look for him or expect him to be back at his place. No one will wonder why he's not there. ]

Yeah, I know. That's good.... I told him he needs to get some rest. He's gonna try to sleep.

[He wipes at his eyes, then finally opens the water and takes a long sip.]

There's a lot he doesn't remember.

He doesn’t… remember? [ Rachel frowns, the worry deepening the more Jason speaks.

what’s also worrying is how lost Jason looks, but it had been so long since she last saw him, she can’t even say if that’s a new thing for him. regardless, it makes her feel concerned for Jason. ]

But he just woke up, right? Isn’t that sorta normal, like when people pass out? What didn’t he remember?

[ Maybe he really has looked lost for a long time- except for his time with Dick. Rachel really wouldn't know though, would she. Except for the last time she saw him before this was when she was screaming in his face, and he was desperately telling them that he didn't do it. He was crying then too.

Ans now here he is again, falling apart. When is he ever going to get it right?]

Yeah, maybe it's just that. Maybe it's the stress of it all.

[He doesn't remember us being together. Of falling in love, he wants to say, but without Dick's confirmation, he's not even sure if she'll believe it, or just laugh in his face.]

If he gets discharged are you gonna take him back to the tower?

Edited 2024-03-06 01:49 (UTC)

[ they turned on him that time, when everything in the tower was falling apart and Dick wasn’t there to hold it together. Jason had suffered the brunt of it then, too, when she had lashed out at him with no evidence, prioritizing her own fear and pain over all else.

he had made fun of her from the very beginning, found all her soft spots and called her a freak in every way he could. he was trained by Batman, way better than them at everything Dick wanted. he didn’t hold back on making that known either. she gets that they were kids who didn’t know any better, but it doesn’t make it okay. doesn’t make what she did to him back okay.

now, Jason looks so alone, like whatever happened to Dick took away the only thing he was here for. Dick brought him here, Jason had told her, and now after what she said about something bad happening, he thinks this is his fault. if there really is something more going on between them, like Jason had started to show, then she can’t imagine how he must be feeling right now.]

I think that might be where he’ll want to go. I don’t know how he’s gonna get discharged though if he doesn’t remember… [ she trails off, thinking about all the strings Dick has at his disposal. ]

You’re staying close to the tower though, right? He’s been visiting you? If you don’t wanna visit the tower, maybe you could ask him to see you there? When he feels okay enough to?

[ Jason tried as best he could. He really did. He only broke down when Rachel attacked him with her powers- wanted to kill him, really, and then all hell broke loose. They were kids though, and Jason had so much he wanted to prove to everyone around him. He hated himself so much. He's never stopped hating himself.

He's been trying now too though. So fucking much. He knows he shouldn't hinge everything on Dick and they both swore he wouldn't, but right now it really does feel like it. Rachel's right. He feels like he's alone, and what happened to Dick took away the only thing he was here for.]

Yeah... I'm sure that's where he'll wanna go.

[Cause he doesn't remember the place they're staying in together- or where Dick was visiting. Whatever it is. Jason feels like he won't see Dick once he leaves the hospital, and his heart squeezes again.]

I told him he needs to stay here longer so they can make sure he's alright. Check over everything- especially his memory. I know he's gonna wanna bolt outta here first chance he gets, though.

[Rachel brings up his place, and he shrugs.]

I don't think he's gonna wanna do that. It's ok. He should be where he's comfortable. He's gotta heal up. I'll just...

[he shrugs again, that lost look settling back on his face.]

I don't wanna make things worse. I don't wanna upset him. The last thing he remembers is from before we were really on speaking terms again, so-- I don't wanna make it weird.

Edited 2024-03-06 02:40 (UTC)

[ to this day, when she’s not in the right mind space, her powers still slip out of her fingers, acting in unpredictable ways. ever since she got them back, she’s been trying harder to understand how to better control them. back then, her powers would bleed out of her whenever she loosened her grip, and Jason’s taunting made her lose that grip more than anything. but they were both so lost, both hated themselves, both so scared of what they were, so desperate to belong to something that she sometimes wonders if that’s why she hated him so much. because of what he brought out in her.

but now she sees him in a different light. Dick would speak so fondly of Jason, and would get this warmth in his eyes, a mix of pride and adoration. finally, she’s staring to understand where it all came from.

but shock parts her lips when Jason says the last thing Dick remembers is from that far back. that would have been shortly after Red Hood helped them with Crane, it would have been before Dick really started trying to heal the team and trying with Jason again. ]

That long…? [ she frowns, looking back at the emergency department’s doors, worry pinching between her brows. that’s a long time to be forgetting. everything that happened with Sebastian, all those bonding moments they had in the RV, the way Tim trained, everything Conner went through… Rachel tears up a little thinking about it. ]

Maybe we should tell him he needs to stay here. Conner and Kory aren’t here, so it’s just me, Tim, and Gar at the tower and I don’t know how Dick will be with just us… [ that’s also what Jason seems to want, too. she looks at him again, a sadness held in her eyes. ]

I’ll get him whatever he wants from the tower. And you can see him here if he’s okay with it. Stay by his side. Just like you said you would. [ a tiny, sad smile. ] Okay?

Yeah. That long.

[Jason says quietly, following Rachel's gaze back through those doors as well. So much has happened.

He lets out a shaky breath, watching Rachel. He knows this is so fucking hard for her too. This whole thing feels like the Twilight zone.]

I don't think he's gonna be ok with staying here that much longer. He's probably already trying to escape out the window.

[Jason knows, because he'd be doing the same and he knows how much they all hate laying around, especially in a hospital.

More than anything though, Jason wants to stay by his side.]

Okay. While he's here i'll stay. If he's ok with it.

[ Rachel’s smile fades when Jason confirms her suspicion, that Dick wouldn’t want to stay here anyway. maybe it’s naive of her to want to fix this, thinking that if she could persuade Dick to stay then at least some of the hurt she’d caused Jason could be redeemed.

but of course it’s not that easy. ]

Okay. [ she nods. ] I should probably—Gar’s waiting. Tim’s really worried too. Would you text me how he’s doing?

[Nothing's ever that easy, except he doesn't blame Rachel for this at all. He blames himself.]

You're leaving? ...Do you think he'll be ok with just me being here?

[He's scared. What if Dick isn't ok with that at all? What if he'd rather have anyone else here but him?]

[ Rachel hesitates, looking down at her phone, then back at Jason. she shakes her head. ]

I’m not really sure. [ she doesn’t know how Dick and Jason mended their relationship, and she isn’t sure how Dick feels about Jason right now, but she can see the fear in Jason’s expression. ]

Want me to stay with you? I wasn’t going to leave for too long.

[He's scared. He's scared of a lot of things right now. Mostly that Dick won't want him here anymore, but also that he's gonna fall off the deep end again.

That part isn't anyone's problem but his own-- but he can hear Dick's voice in his head, telling him he can do this. Don't give up. They've got this.]

No, it's -- it's ok. Hopefully he's sleeping. I can just sit there with him.

[ Jason sounds as unsure as she feels. suddenly, it's like they have to stand on their own. before, Dick would catch her in any situation. Dick would have an answer and a plan and always stay strong, no matter what.

but what about now? ]

Text me, okay? You're not alone in this. I'm here. And everyone else, too. [ a beat, as Rachel questions whether it's her place to say anything more. ] We have to be strong for him now.

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