anything can be taken from you.

[farcry]

overflow | open

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[farcry]

[ Dick is staring at their linked hands when he realizes both Jason and Rachel are looking at him, waiting for some sort of answer. he frowns, feeling like he's severely lacking context. ]

Tell him I'm coming back soon. I'll be fine, but until then, I'm counting on you guys to pick up the slack. You can't do much when you're sitting here waiting for me, though. [ Rachel looks a little unsure with his answer and hesitates for a moment before bringing the phone up to her ear and stepping outside again. ]

You too, Jason.

[nomorefear]

[He knows maybe it's a lot to ask right now but it really does depend on what Dick wants to do. He doesn't want to overwhelm him right now or have a ton of people rushing in here. Not if that's not what Dick wants.

When Rachel steps out again, Jason squeezes his hand.]

I know this is a lot. I'm sorry.

[And then he has to ask.]

Pick up the slack?

[farcry]

It's fine. [ he just needs a moment, that's all. he can feel the tears in his head starting to turn again, but there's the molasses, making everything sticky and messy.

making him look at Jason, eyes tracing over those features, trying to decipher what that questioning look is for. he looks down at their hands, then back up to Jason's face again.

god--those eyes. his own expression softens, voice dropping. ]

What am I missing?

[nomorefear]

[ Now that everything has slowed down a little, and it's just the two of them again, Jason starts to notice more than just the sudden relief that Dick is awake and talking. There's more confusion on Dick's face, and when he looks at their interlocked hands, Jason has this sinking feeling that he's missing something here too.

He swallows thickly, almost too scared to ask. ]

How-- how far back don't you remember?

[farcry]

[ slowly, Dick shakes his head, recognizing the worry on Jason's face. he's not sure how to answer that question when his memory feels unreliable in itself. ]

I don't know. It's not linear. I don't think so, at least. [ he looks at their hands again. ] I know I was tracking a van when I got into the accident. It contained drugs being routed to Gotham, but I don't know what we were talking about when you called.

[nomorefear]

[ It feels like something's really off when Dick keeps looking at their joined hands, as if he's confused by it. As if he doesn't know why this is happening. It's unsettling, at it scares Jason to his core.

He's never been as good at hiding his emotions as he thinks he is, especially when they're intense ones. It's even harder for him to hide them now, when he's been so open with Dick- since they've gotten so close. Right now it's a mix of dread and heartbreak.]

No, that's-- that's not...

[He shakes his head, suddenly at a loss for words.]

That was more than a year ago.

[farcry]

[ his heart leaps to his throat, feeling the same kind of dread on Jason's face inside himself. a year. a year. ]

Wait--the nurse said... there was a van. I was on my bike when I got hit and you were on the phone with me. Was I out for a year? [ he starts to sit up, gripping Jason's hand hard. ] How long have I been out for? [ a beat. ] Where are we?

[nomorefear]

[ Now he can put the pieces together- not just the confusion of the crash, but the confusion in the way Dick keeps looking at him. Their hands. In Dick's head...oh god. They're not even together.

Jason almost pulls his hand from Dick's in shock, but Dick grabs it tighter, so he doesn't. ]

You weren't out for a year, no. You were out for about seven hours. We're at Mercy Hospital in San Fransisco-- near the tower. You just-- you can't remember. You don't remember how we're--

[He has to stop talking so he can bite back his tears. No one else knew they were together either. Now it's as if it was all just in Jason's head.]

[farcry]

[ how could he have lost a whole years’ memories in a single crash? he grips Jason’s hand tight like a lifeline, propping himself up higher as he stares wide-eyed as the information sinks in. it hurts to sit up, but he ignores it. ]

How we’re… together? Is that right?

[ there’s surprise on his face, but a kind of understanding. the way Jason looks at him, the way he holds Dick’s hand, everything he heard when he was still under would make sense. I love you. I miss you. Jason promised not to leave his side, to take care of him. like a lover.

but it feels right. ]

[nomorefear]

[Jason looks down, nodding at Dick's question then reaches out to quickly and gently press Dick back against the bed.]

Hey, come on...the nurse said you shouldn't try to sit up just yet. Let your body rest, ok?

[It's easier to focus on that, than the intense heartache that seems to be rushing through his entire body. Dick doesn't remember. Everything that they've been building up on all this time. Being in love, Jason coming over here, the two of them making love, the way Dick has been holding him together-- he doesn't remember.

Jason wants to scream.]

It's okay. It's ok.

[farcry]

[ he resists against Jason only for the moment it takes for his mind to sort through what he's seeing. Jason nods, and it all makes a lot of sense, even if he doesn't remember it. he can feel it in Jason's touch, in the care of his words, the pain of his expression, like he's finally been able to work through all the layers of prickly defenses Jason shields himself with. it's hard to tell if the way his body reacts is imagined or real, and if the sense of familiarity is his own longing, or the lingering of something in his memory.

but how does he reconciliate the seemingly new realization that he actually wants Jason with the new found information that he has Jason? he doesn't know what to say, and for once in his life, he's at a loss as to what to do too. slowly, he follows the motion of Jason's hand and sinks into the bed again, gaze never leaving Jason's face. ]

The nurse said it's temporary. I've woken up disoriented before. It'll just take time. [ never took this long, but it's all different. his death-grip on Jason's hand relaxes just so, shifting into something steady and determined now. ] I'm still here, Jason. With you.

[nomorefear]

[Dick tries to tease him about his memory, and Jason feels guilty about it. He should be the one reassuring Jason right now, not the other way around.

That, and they really don't know what'll happen yet. Maybe Dick won't remember anything at all. At least he doesn't seem disgusted by it though. He doesn't recoil from the thought of being with a murderer.]

You don't gotta force anything, ok? It's fine.

[He finally lifts his gaze to look at Dick again, trying to sound reassuring as well.]

I just want you to be ok.

[farcry]

[ his mind still feels like molasses, but what he does know is that he's awake, he's alive, and he thinks he's making sense, though there's no way to tell that for sure yet.

the heartbreak is written clear on Jason's face. he can see it in those reddened eyes that look like they've been soaked in tears. he can emphasize with that. he knows what loss feels like, he knows heartbreak. he nods, knowing he's incapable of forcing anything anyway. he doesn't know how he felt about Jason before, what exactly happened between them or how, but Jason is still family, and Jason chose to help take down Crane in the end.

but is it stupid to feel like he can trust Jason now? the thought brings a wrinkle in his mind before he smoothes it over, reassuring himself that what he sees on Jason's face is real. ]

Thanks. I'll be okay. [ slowly, he loosens his grip around Jason's hand, though he doesn't pull away. he even manages a small smile that doesn't quite warm his eyes. ] Don't worry.

[nomorefear]

[If Dick doesn't remember, Jason knows he deserves it. Maybe this is it. The punishment for him being such trash. And then he realizes how selfish that is. This isn't about him at all. Fuck his stupid feelings.

Dick is alive and that's all they should matter. It doesn't work that way though -- he still feels devastated.

But he'll reel it in now, cause what else can he do? His moments- he's precious moments with Dick are lost, at least for now, and he's not even really sure how Dick feels about him, or any of it. All he knows is that Dick tells him he's still here with him. That has to be good enough.]

Don't worry- right. I'll try not to.

[When Dick loosens his grip, Jason slides his hand away and curls his arms around himself.]

You should get some sleep, ok? You got real banged up. You need to rest.

[farcry]

Yeah. Alright. [ Dick's hand drops back to the blanket, nodding. he knows it's not much help to tell Jason not to worry. once Rachel finds out how much he doesn't remember, she'll be worried too, as will the rest of his team. ]

On your way out, Jason, could you ask the nurse when they're willing to discharge me?

[nomorefear]

Yeah. I'll ask. But don't push that either, alright? I know you fucking hate hospitals and this is the last place you wanna be right now, but...stay as long as they need make sure-- especially with the memory loss.

[What if it gets worse? Or what if they can do something to make it better? He doubts the latter, but he's grasping at any hope right now.

He so desperately wants to lean in and kiss Dick, and he almost does, but he figures that would be really fucking weird for Dick right now, and probably unwanted, so he stops himself.]

I'll be back.

1/2

[farcry]

[ that's what everyone always says--don't push it, stay in the hospital, take time to rest, to recover and so on, but Dick knows there's a lot he needs to do.

he has to go through all his records, read all the texts on his phone from a year back, review footage, read all the notes he left for himself and retrace whatever steps he can. he has contingencies in place for this exact situation, and he's relying on all those things to help him recover his memory. it's not permanent. it can't be. there's no way he's letting himself lose a whole year of his life. that's what he needs to do to make things better. not stay in the hospital, where they'll run tests and monitor his vitals and make him wait. he's not the passively waiting type.

but right this moment, the thought of arguing that with Jason is exhausting, so all he does is nod. ]

Alright. See you.

2/2

[thesnacks]

[ outside in the hallway, Rachel hangs up the phone and sighs, rubbing her eyes at having to break the news to Gar and the rest of the team. Dick said that they have to pick up the slack now, and she knows what has to be done.

she should go back to the tower and help sort things out, now that Dick isn't there to do so, but what about Jason? unsure, she bites her lip, standing outside the door and thinking, wanting also to give Jason and Dick a moment alone. ]

[nomorefear]

[ That's what everyone always says, but this isn't everyone, it's Jason, and Jason knows Dick better than anyone else these days. But it's not that way with Dick anymore, and the longer they talk, the more it feels like this isn't just some kind of brief waking up memory loss. Dick hit his head hard, and then he was in that induced coma-- who the fuck knows.

And then Dick says see you- so casually, like he has no idea how desperate Jason feels, and how much he wants to climb into that bed and hold him and kiss him. How much he fucking loves him. ]

I--

[He starts, but the words don't make it out of him. Dick doesn't love him back this time. He probably feels like Jason was jus their enemy. Maybe he's thinking that Jason's making all of this up to get to him or hurt him. ]

See you.

[He doesn't know how he manages to get the words out, but he does, and then he's out the door. He doesn't even see Rachel as he just keeps going, trying to get out of this place as fast as he can, everything a blur around him. Once he's out the Emergency Room exit he can't hold it back anymore. He moves to the side of the building and pukes behind the bushes, fingers digging into the wall.]

[thesnacks]

Jason? [ Rachel calls as Jason bursts out of Dick's room, hurrying across her vision and down the hallway. almost immediately, she's on his heels, following him the best she could, but it doesn't seem like he even knows she's there. alarm builds up inside her from what she can read of Jason's body language, and she has to hold out a hand to prevent the doors of the exit from shutting on her.

when he doubles over at the side of the building, Rachel finally catches up and slows down, stepping quietly up to his side. with anyone else, she'd reach out and pat them on the back as some form of comfort, but she's never been that way with Jason, and she doesn't know how he'll react to it now. ]

Jason... [ she just says his name softly, then reaches into the bag containing her purchases from the cafeteria to holds out a bottle of water. ]

[nomorefear]

[ He doesn't even hear her. Not until he's done puking his guts out-aside from the fact that there's hardly anything in him to puke out. It's more of a sob really, and then he finally realizes she is there, but he doesn't even have it in him to feel embarrassed.

Still, he wipes the fresh tears from his eyes, leaning back against the wall. He tries to steady his breathing as well, but that part's almost impossible. He looks at the bottle of water Rachel holds out to him and god, he fucking wishes it were something stronger. In this moment he remembers very vividly why he took those drugs. It wasn't as much anger as anguish, and the absolute need to get rid of what was going on inside of him.

He feels like he's gonna fall all over again.

He takes the water, but he doesn't drink from it just yet. ]

I was supposed to-- I gotta ask the nurse. The doctor... he wants to know when he can be discharged. I told him I'd ask.

[thesnacks]

[ Jason looks so, so sad, almost as bad as he did when Dick hadn’t woken up yet, like his whole world had crumbled beneath his feet. she lets go of the bottle when he takes it, her own expression tired and worried. ]

Okay… I can ask for him instead, if you need a minute to just… [ she doesn’t even know what to say, what Jason needs. ] Jason, he’s awake now. Dick’s awake.

[nomorefear]

[ Jason nods numbly, suddenly feeling so out of place here. Like he doesn't belong, all over again. That thought alone makes him want to disappear and just get wasted out of his head. No one will care. No one will look for him or expect him to be back at his place. No one will wonder why he's not there. ]

Yeah, I know. That's good.... I told him he needs to get some rest. He's gonna try to sleep.

[He wipes at his eyes, then finally opens the water and takes a long sip.]

There's a lot he doesn't remember.

[thesnacks]

He doesn’t… remember? [ Rachel frowns, the worry deepening the more Jason speaks.

what’s also worrying is how lost Jason looks, but it had been so long since she last saw him, she can’t even say if that’s a new thing for him. regardless, it makes her feel concerned for Jason. ]

But he just woke up, right? Isn’t that sorta normal, like when people pass out? What didn’t he remember?

[nomorefear]

[ Maybe he really has looked lost for a long time- except for his time with Dick. Rachel really wouldn't know though, would she. Except for the last time she saw him before this was when she was screaming in his face, and he was desperately telling them that he didn't do it. He was crying then too.

Ans now here he is again, falling apart. When is he ever going to get it right?]

Yeah, maybe it's just that. Maybe it's the stress of it all.

[He doesn't remember us being together. Of falling in love, he wants to say, but without Dick's confirmation, he's not even sure if she'll believe it, or just laugh in his face.]

If he gets discharged are you gonna take him back to the tower?